It's time for me to step outside my comfort zone...

I won't bore you with the details but I had a huge epiphany recently.  I came to the conclusion that I have a horrible perception/belief in/of myself.  It's not apparent to most people I don't think.  But it's something I battle with constantly.  And because I'm of the belief that the 'apple doesn't fall too far from the tree' observation about humans, I've got to find a way to overcome my issues.  Because if I don't then I can only expect my sons to be no different than their father. 

It was pointed out to me that I only see the negative aspect of people or situations.  And my instinct is to fight that assertion, even though I know it's in fact very accurate.  It's a trait I inherited from my mum.  And something I battle on a daily basis.  But realize that it doesn't actually have to be a battle of any kind.  I've been blessed with other genes or character traits and can quite easily take on those rather than the ones I currently choose.  Because I do think it's a choice I'm making.  Even though I know the outcome of that choice is going to be negative.

So, here we go.  Heading down a path that frightens the crap out of me.  And this I promise you and myself is the truth.  I believe in the observation of Marianne Williamson.  So I'm going to sign off with her classic observation that is usually credited to Nelson Mandela.  I don't think either of them care who gets credit to be honest...

…“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

the race was a perfect metaphor for life...

To say that the triathlon was a challenge would be an understatement.  The swim was fine - if you like that kind of thing!  Which means the swim portion of a tri is my least favorite.  The bike was okay.  It was an incredibly hilly course that could have been fun if I'd practiced more on hills than I had - duh! 

The run on the other hand...now that's a different story!  It was brutal!  The only race that I can remember being as challenging was the Adirondack Marathon.  Which makes sense.  You're running in a mountain range.  I could never have imagined such consistently rolling steep hills in south Georgia.  To show you how hard it was, I rarely run a 10k portion of a triathlon in over 60 minutes.  I can usually eke out a 10 minute mile pace.  On Sunday I finished in 1:15 and and change.  That's how demanding it was.

I spent as much time walking up the hills as I did shuffling down them!  And all the time all I could think about was writing this blog!  Okay, that's a stretch.  I was thinking about the chapter of my book, 'This too Shall Pass.'  I'm convinced that we are always on a journey of some kind that has a beginning a middle and an end.  And no matter how much you believe it's never going to end, it always, always does.  The crappy relationship will end.  The horrible boss will leave one day.  The fat belly you've got will be gone one day.  Of course the caveat to those observations is that although the journey you're on may just end by itself but to ensure that it does YOU have to make the right decisions and take the right actions.

The big difference between the race and life was the fact that I was afforded the opportunity to see the beginning, middle and end of each hill I encountered.  And knew exactly what I had to do to get to the top of said hill.  And knew what the potential outcomes of my actions would be immediately.  If I keep my legs turning over I'll make it to the top of this hill which will go down until I reach the bottom of the next hill I have to climb...until I cross the finish line.  Or, I can quit.  Stop moving towards the finish line.  And have someone drive out on the course and pick me up.  Those were my only options.

Life is a little different.  You can't see the top of the hill.  And although intelectually you know it's there, sometimes you give in because it's just too hard.  Meanwhile you might have been a foot from the top!  And seconds later would have been careening downhill with a smile on your face! 

So there you have it.  The race is over.  It was brutal.  Thankfully I could see the top of each hill and keep chugging slowly up the hill.  Now it's time for me to do the same with my life.  Time to get my head down and keep my legs moving.  Because I don't want to have someone drive out on the course and pick me up!

Almost time to get my racing shoes on...

It's the day before race day....and perhaps the last race I'll do for Team in Training, the group that saved my life.  An odd but completely true belief I have.  I'm pretty sure my suicidal tendencies would have got the better of me if I had kept going down the path I was going down.  I think you can only think it's your birthday every day for so many years before something stops functioning!

So tomorrow I'll be competing in the 11 lake Oconee Olympic distance triathlon.  And it's going to be an emotional day for a lot of people.  This is the first time I'll have raised money and competed in a race for someone I know.  Lisa's step dad Joe will soon be undergoing chemo treatment for his pre-leukemia condition - I forget the acronym.  And he's going to be there to watch it.  As well as a whole host of other people.

So I think it's fitting that this be my last event so I can start my very own training program for a group called Pattison's Pacers.  This group raises money for handicapped kids.  Actually we raise money to purchase wheelchairs so we can push handicapped kids outside so they can feel what we're feeling.  The best example of this would be Dick and Ricky Hoyt. 

So, on that note, farewell TNT.  Thank you for all the miles....

Slow and Steady....

As it's one of the chapters of my book, and a credo of mine, I guess I'm practicing what I preach by writing on Tuesday morning....only a few days after my last entry.  It's interesting how the urgency of getting my book done got me out of bed early in the morning (like I am right now) but the desire to write here in this blog doesn't have the same impact.

So that got me to thinking.  Which is never a good thing!!  It's blatantly obvious that I'm not very good at getting stuff done - as well as I'd like to think I am.  Unless there's something big and audacious attached to it.  Like writing a book.  Or, in this next case, starting a marathon and half marathon training group to raise money for racing wheelchairs for children with special needs. 

I know me and I know what makes me tick/work/perform/follow through.  And I'm going to stake my reputation on me doing so with this chapter of my life as well as this new one I'm about to embark upon.  It's odd but sometimes you just have to go with what works and not question it.  So, I'm thinking I'll use this part of my life as a platform for more writing that my sons will one day get to read and understand what makes their dad tick!

Time to get cracking...

It's been a long time.  But as I say in my book 'this too shall pass' and before you know it you're on to another chapter in your life.  And that's where I am right now.  I think I've been suffering from a little post partum depression - regarding writing that is.  So, the best cure is for me to write.  I'm going to do what I did when I first started my book - slow and steady.  And as I've got a client in 30 minutes followed by a 2 hour brick workout, I'd better get cracking on that one too!!